Sunday, 2 September 2007

Dear Blog Vicar

Dear Blog Vicar,

Whenever I watch the God Channel and in particular Hillsong, my pet terrier rolls over on his back, flails his legs in the air and makes animal noises, has he been overcome with charismata, or is this normal behaviour.

Animal Lover – Tring, Herts

Dear Animal Lover,

Your love of animals is a sin according to Leviticus, please repent forthwith. As for the dog, has he been baptised in the spirit evidenced by the ‘wagging of tails’?

Blog Vicar

Dear Blog Vicar,

Leviticus 11:13 and 11:29 state that the eating of Osprey and Weasel is forbidden, I recently ordered, and ate, a pizza with short eared owl and ferret topping. Does my diet now require that I undergo some form of ritual cleansing?

Satisfied of Bedford

Dear Satisfied,

Though the creatures you ate were not on the forbidden list, and therefore not sin, I just wondered if the pizza base was unleavened. I know Domino do a Kosher deep pan, but I suspect you visited Pizza Hut on Bedford High St. Therefore you can be sure that CCTV will find you out and I suggest you shave all your hair and post it first class to Ann Widdecombe as a sign of your repentance.

Dear Blog Vicar,

I am a member of a fast growing emergent church called Solomon’s Camel that meets in a photo booth on Platform 3 of Bristol Temple Meads Rail Station. We have been exploring innovative and creative arty forms of alternative worship within our own space and time.

I myself was very impressed with the concept of Labyrinth, so much so that I visited Wickes the builders, purchased 13 tonnes of breeze block and constructed a multi level Labyrinth in the grounds of an ancient druid meeting place.

I reached the middle of my Labyrinth on Sept 11th, it is now Oct 14th and I still cannot get out, my communion wine is running low and my bread is turning green. Can you send someone to rescue me.

Lost of Bristol

Dear Lost,

Did the wine or bread contain yeast, if so then I must view your sense of being lost as punishment. If they were Ribena and Metzo crackers then your predicament is just an unfortunate accident. Can I suggest that any future Labyrinth’s you create are made out of Waffles (unleavened of course), this would allow anyone trapped to simply eat their way to freedom. By the way how many Nectar points did you get for your breeze blocks and will you be redeeming them, it’s just that Mrs Blog Vicar is looking for some laminate flooring.

Dear Blog Vicar

My friend only ever uses the KJV of the bible whilst I use The Message, we often argue over whose is the most reliable version. I argued that if you do not want your ladder to slip then The Message is the most reliable version.

Manuscript Mike of Stornoway

Dear Mike from Stornoway

May I say that coming from the Western Isles you should know the answer, when attempting to secure a ladder you should always use Songs of Fellowship Combined.

Dear Blog Vicar

Our minister has begun to apply a prayer tax to all members and adherents, the more you pray the more you pay, this is a good idea as he says it will help with church funds. Last night after music practice he handed me a tax rebate, what does this mean?

On My Knees – Watford

Dear Knees,

You should be able to offset your prayer rebate against your bible reading tax bill, send me your accounts and I will review them.

Friday, 31 August 2007

Going for a Song

Dear Blog Vicar,

I had to write regarding an ongoing problem we seem to have in our church. We are not sure what method we should be using to sing songs of praise. When we go into the sanctuary we are given a copy of Mission Praise 1 & 2, Mission Praise combined, New Songs, Spring Harvest 2001 to 2008, Sing Psalms, Songs of Victory for Victorious Soldiers of Praise and a separate sheet of songs which appear in none of the above books. We also have an overhead projector in one corner and a modern projector with PowerPoint presentation in the other showing songs from the Easy Peasey Lemon Cheesy Worship System.

The problem is our new Pastor wants to leave all these books and electronic gadgetry in the vestibule and return to just one book of songs, we the congregation on the other hand would like to have wireless DVD screens installed in the back of each chair to show words and music combined as well as the option to switch to the God Channel should Pastor’s sermon prove tedious (he keeps preaching sermons based on the ‘Sermon on the Mount’).

Should we go with the Pastor and allow him to free us from our dependence on external factors to aid our worship, or should we just terminate his contract and search for a Pastor who will understand us.

Yours in Faith

Songbook of Oxford

Dear Songbook,

Your Pastor sounds like an honest man who is trying hard to bring you all into a place of peace and safety besides green pastures and still waters, he appears to be working hard to set you free from your bondage and desire to be like other churches. It would appear he is giving his whole life just to show you a sure way into the Kingdom of Heaven and the blessings therein.

Therefore, with all that said, and the danger such a man could cause for other pastors and Vicars I would suggest you terminate his contract prior to the end of his 6 month trial and give me a ring. By the way, have you considered investing in the new Songs of Redemption on IPOD and MP3 Player with Bluetooth capability, this is the way ahead.


Blog Vicar